Father and Sons: An Esalen Legacy

Steven Harper is a longtime Esalen faculty member who helped found the Esalen Farm in the early 1980s. He has spent decades leading workshops that blend hiking in the Big Sur wilderness with embodied Gestalt practice. His oldest son, Kai Harper, has deep roots at Esalen, having worked in the Grounds department, the Farm & Garden, and the Programs department, where he became the youngest person to lead the month-long residential program. Steven’s younger son, Kes Harper, continues to assist his father in workshops, carrying forward the family's connection to Esalen's transformative work. 

One memorable offering the Harpers created together was a Fathers and Sons workshop at Esalen.

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STEVE HARPER: The Fathers and Sons weekends were exceptional because there were lifelong relationships in the room. 

KES HARPER: Those workshops happened every year, annually, for maybe about five to seven years. It began when I was a teenager, about 13 years old.

STEVE HARPER: Sometimes in the workshop, there would be a grandfather, father, and a son. Sometimes it’d be a stepfather and a son. The depth of which we could go in a weekend was remarkable, because there were already these lifetime relationships there.

A core piece of the Fathers and Sons workshop was the hike. We always did a big hike on Saturday in Big Creek Reserve, one of the most special areas of Big Creek; it gets a really good mix of California flora and mountains. 

I think there's something primordial about getting out in nature. The beginning part was all about walking in silence. I just think it brought up primal things of fathers and sons for eons being in wilderness. There's a coherence there that began to happen. We were offering silence and a clear, safe container.

KES HARPER: I remember leading or co-leading the younger group and then each year my role would get a little bit bigger because I was getting older and more mature, and I'd show up differently. That consistency was really important and enjoyable for me to just notice how I was developing as a leader at Esalen and as a workshop leader and a facilitator.

STEVE HARPER: Kes was born on Father's Day. Kai was born just two minutes out of Father's Day. Kai's birthday and Kes's birthday fall on Father's Day every seven years. So there’s a special connection there. 

In the evening, we would do work that was a bit more personal: prompts of questions to consider, and then a time to share in the groups just for father and son, or that constellation of grandfather, father, son.

There would be role reversals, where the sons would become leaders. So there's a negotiation, like now the son is becoming the leader. 

KAI HARPER: Something that I feel has been a saving grace within our family and our family system and credit to dad, to Steven, is that he got really clear that he was gonna be a dad when he was our dad. Even in a teaching context, he was going to be a teacher, but he was still Dad and he didn't shy away from that. That level of humanity I think really came forward in his teaching. And it was a saving grace within our family as well.

KES HARPER: I have distinct memories and warm feelings of moments where I'd be on the lawn at Esalen playing somewhere and you just look back to look at your parents and make sure everything's okay. And I remember just seeing my dad and he'd be in his own community and talking with someone and be enjoying that conversation. And I could feel the energy of the community and the energy from my dad and know that everything was perfect and safe and okay. That warm, glowing feeling I think sticks with me forever.

And Dad would carpool us all the time. I think anybody that lives in Big Sur knows that being in a car is a part of life. I remember my dad making the small road trip from Esalen or Gazebo school to Big Creek or Pfeiffer just really fun, every time, whether it would be a story he would tell or a game we'd play. The presence that my dad had was really impactful. It wasn't like he would just turn on some music and then not think about the kids. It was very much about engaging with the kids. 

KAI HARPER: I have this forever memory that feels like a core memory, where Kes and I go down to the tubs, and we're just sitting there looking out over the ocean. We just start talking about our relationship. And I think at one point I brought up this idea. I was like, Kes, sometimes I feel like you're the better brother in our family. And he was like, really? Because I think that's how I've thought of you, as the better brother. It was a really sweet moment. And it was just also a moment of us stepping into our adulthoods.

STEVE HARPER: Kai and Kes actually live in the same apartment in San Francisco. So that relationship continues. 

KAI HARPER: We still wanna be around each other. Still debate. We definitely still debate.

KES HARPER: I still assist Dad, and I know Kai does, too, to this day, and that feels like a whole other layer of my relationship with Dad and Esalen. That has been even more impactful in some ways because it's now me as an adult. Any workshop that I have with my dad, I treasure for a lot of reasons. I feel like I learn every time and I'm also just filled with immense pride and curiosity about how Dad got to the point where he is so skilled at what he does.

KAI HARPER: It is a funny thing to be like the teacher that I would recommend is my dad, not for a nepotistic reason, but because he's the best. If I were to send someone I deeply love to go take a workshop at Esalen, I would send them to Steven Harper every single time. It wouldn't even be a question.

STEVE HARPER: Attempting the path of conscious parenting has been both the greatest challenge and my deepest source of meaning that has humbled me, stretched me, and given heart to my life. I am unabashedly delighted with the fine men I call my sons. Do I walk the talk all the time? No. I continue to return to the principles again and again. Some days, I feel slow to learn, and still, I'm guided by grace to remember it's practice, not perfect in open responsiveness, I hear the gentle reminder whispered compassionately to the whole of me. Begin again. Begin again.